sexless-marriage

Are you in a sexless marriage or relationship?

Are you experiencing sexual problems in your relationship?

Has sex become dull and boring?

Does sex feel distant and disconnected?

Do you find this very difficult to discuss?

Sex can be one of the most difficult subjects to discuss, even with your partner. The discussion becomes even more challenging when there are significant sexual problems in your relationship or you’re in a sexless marriage. The very thing that once caused you to feel deeply connected now makes you feel distant and detached.

Keeping the erotic dimension of your relationship alive and thriving can be very challenging, given the pressures and stress of everyday life. Once you factor in children, jobs, money and time, it’s not surprising that your sexual connection may be suffering under all the pressure. It’s easy for sex and intimacy to drift, get lost in the priorities and for a sexless marriage to be the result.

I’ve been working with couples for a very long time and while each couple is unique, there are a few issues that I see over and over again. I’ve listed these in the box to the right…perhaps you recognise one or more of these situations in your relationship?

How can sex and intimacy therapy help?

Sex and intimacy counselling is a specialised approach that addresses concerns about sexual function, erotic feelings and intimacy.  This can take place as either individual counselling or couples counselling or a combination of both.

Couples often experience a reduced desire for sex and this is really quite normal and nothing to be concerned about. It simply signals that something needs to change to restore the erotic connection. Sex and Intimacy counselling is based on working with the couple, to achieve a satisfying sexual connection and to ensure that your relationship thrives. This can be achieved by engaging in strategies for change to promote more effective erotic intimacy. It can also involve strategies for greater individuation, which can often generate a new-found desire for each other.

Common Sex and Intimacy issues

Different sex drives: Your partner wants more sex than you do or you want more sex than them.

Erotic timing: You feel more aroused in the morning and your partner feels more aroused in the evening.

Communicating sexual needs: You find it difficult to talk about your sexual needs and preferences or your partner does not listen when you do.

Sex is dull and boring: Your erotic life has become dull, repetitive and predictable. It’s just another chore.

Physical Problems: Some problems that show up as physical, often have psychological origins.

For women, this can mean: Inhibited sexual desire, inability to experience orgasm and painful sexual intercourse.

For men, this can mean: erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and inhibited sexual desire.

Sometimes there are physical explanations for these conditions such as obesity, diabetes or low testosterone. Then there is also the impact of stress, age, illness or just boredom with sex. A major impact for women can also be hormonal shifts caused by childbirth, pregnancy or menopause.

Sex addiction: I’m reluctant to use this term, as there is some doubt that compulsive sexual behaviour is really an addiction, as there is no substance abuse involved. However, if you can’t control the behaviour and there are harmful consequences for you and your family, it may be necessary to treat the condition like it was an addiction.

 

Peter H. Fowler

Couple & family therapist

 

Peter has extensive training in human sexuality and can help individuals and couples to resolve their sex and intimacy issues in a safe, non-judgemental space, where you will feel accepted, understood and supported. He is also experienced at working with individuals struggling with compulsive behaviours like excessive use of pornography or promiscuous behaviour. Peter is LGBTQI and kink affirming and can offer an unconditional non-judgemental approach to any situation. He says there is no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about sexless marriage, regardless of your story.

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